Lady-girl and the Gay Cowboy Alien

Damn horse went funny on me again. It was a long ride, m'horse, Lady-girl, was a bit bumpy this mornin'. She's always a bit of a rumpous-rouser when we're heading t' Jakes. It's like she's stuck between gears, trying to shift into third, but she can't. There I am, mid stride, and she just starts thumpin the ground, her rib cage jarring this way and that, until my boys below are two jolts away from seceding from the United Crotch of M'underpants. I swear, it was good t' get to Jakes. He's such a sweet bastard. You'd think by the way Lady-girl rode up to his ranch, that she represented th' entire community of Middle America. She just doesn't know him like I do. Jake wants to shoot her. He wants to do a lot of crazy things like that. I caught him outside with my wallet, he was eating all of my business cards. No salt. Simply stuffing them into his mouth greedily. He's only got three toes on his right foot. I saw him last night with his boots off (he never takes his damn boots off), I'm not even sure he had a left foot. When we're cuddled up together late in th' evenin' he sometimes dreams about the weirdest things. It's always outerspace this, and outerspace that. What ship docked in what port, in such and such galaxy. Jake's an alien. Yep, he told me that. I don't know how he made it up here from Mexico, but thank God he did. Hell, maybe it was Canadia, he never actually told me what border he hopped. Who am I kiddn', an ass like that.... he ain't from no canadia. I wish Lady-girl would warm up to him, though. Damn horse went funny.