Dino's Blown Date

The new neighbors moved in. I went over to say hello. Then, he opened the door. His hair was blowing in the slight breeze caused by rocking back and forth on the door. His shorts were riding up to his crotch. I was disgusted. How could someone like me, a mere simpleton, be allowed to see something so fabulous. His name was Tino, and I wanted to become him. I didn't say anything as he stared out those baby blues. I turned and walked away. I walked straight down to the local tanning bed and laid back for an hour. I got highlights. I cut all of my pants to my buttcheeks. I went to Babies R Us and bought some new t-shirts. I got some white gloves to go with my Keds. No laces. No problem. I changed my name to Dino. People knew I was cool. They could smell it on me. They smelled that, and the peach cobbler I carried around constantly. It was a gimmick. It was mine. "Hey who's that cool dude with the short shorts and the cobbler? He's cool. Is that peach?" I started talking with an accent. "Hallo, m'name iss Dino." I talked in third person, and I started to carry a man-purse. Then the most beautiful girl in town stopped me. "Dino," she said, "I was going to ask you out, but I realized you were ... well, I dunno. Unavailable." I was too pretty for the most beautiful girl in town? Well, I had to put an end to that. I went back to my neighbors house. I knocked on the door to say hello. Then, he opened the door. Tino. I killed him with my bare hands. That's what my dad had always told me to do with peer pressure. Take it around the neck and break it. That's what I think about Tino blowing my chances with the most beautiful girl in town. You know, it's funny. A little piece of Dino died in that doorway. I laid him down to rest right beside Tino's body.