What are you thinking?

The lake was heavy today. I could feel the wake in the pit of my stomach as it smashed against the hull of my canoe. I had widdled the canoe earlier this year, and was thinking mildly of the Trobian Islanders of the West Indies. They knew what it meant to carve out a true gem from the carcass remains of a fallen stalk, chopped, murdered, disjointed by their own blistered hands. There was no hiding the distaste I had been carrying around with me since this morning. It was written on the wrinkles of my sea worn eyes. The faint scratching brought me back from my daydreaming. There were three kittens in the bag between my feet. I live in St. Elmo, of course there are going to be cats, and cats have kittens. Lots of them. There were loads this year, and these three had the misfortune of ending up on my watch. I had joined the CCSASECTOEIS (Concerned Citizens Seriously Against St. Elmo Cats Taking Over Everything In Sight) three years ago. It started as a way to make some friends, maybe find a connection to get in on some of the bigger cash deals running through St. Elmo, but I had no idea my life was going to change forever... I had no idea I would be here on the lake staring at a bag full of kittens. Jerry Fontaine asked me to take his watch late last fall. Jerry's always been a good friend to me, ever since I joined the CCSASECTOEIS, so naturally I accomodated him. Little did I know that would be the night I would meet her. Of all the porches in all the world, she crawled on to mine. Her name was Sally, she was big, blond, and beautiful. I'd never seen a cat so pregnant. She walked straight over to me, jumped in my lap, and fell asleep. I couldn't move. I was in love. I finally had the perfect pet. I had to keep the relationship quiet. Based on the rules of the CCSASECTOEIS, all pregnant cats are to be whacked over the head with the standard issued baseball bat, and brought in to be disected. The parts are then placed on spikes strategically placed around the neighborhood as a warning to the other cats thinking of losing their virginity. Sally was different, though. She was special. Sally had her kittens in my room, and I was surprised to find that I loved them just as much as I loved Sally. I turned in to a closet cat lover over the following weeks. I had four issues of CAT FANCY in my glove compartment, and a folded up poster of the kitten on the clothes line that hilariously says "Hang in There". I kept it in my back pocket at all times, stealing glances at it throughout the day- at least until I got home to Sally. But then one day, as I was rushing through the door... Sally was gone. She'd taken the kittens and vanished. She didn't even leave a pawprint. I was heartbroken. I couldn't eat, sleep, or go to work anymore. She never came home. I ended up dedicating my entire existence to the CCSASECTOEIS, and became the top executioner. Cats feared me, Old Ladies loathed me, but i was King... still, I was hurting inside. This morning it was dark. I heard pawprints on my porch, and reached out and grabbed these three little fur balls. I lifted them up quickly, threw them in to this bag, and was heading out for the lake when I suddenly had the urge to stop by Jerry's house. I thought he might like to join me. He wasn't home, but his door was open, and when I went inside I was horrified to see- sitting next to his couch- Sally, dead and stuffed. She was being used as an end table. Jerry had murdered her. I couldn't think I grabbed the bag and continued out for the lake. Killing cats was all I had known for the last year. It was all I had been doing, and now I find out that Sally didn't desert me, she was kidnapped and murdered... and stuffed. I didn't know what to do. I decided to reach for the bag, and open it up. Inside, peering up at me, were three of the cutest little things I had ever seen. They weren't kittens, though, they were little puppies. I laughed loudly, feeling much better. Things started looking up. I didn't have to kill anymore cats. I bent down and tied the little string closed, and dropped th dogs in the water. You see, I'm also on the Concerned Citizens Seriously Against St. Elmo Dogs Taking Over Everything In SIght. Have a good one, everybody. Spay and Neuter Your Animals!



(None of the above comments are meant to qualify as rules to follow... or, uh, yeah...)